I do too many things and sometimes as a result I freeze and give up. What I find the most difficult though is starting something again, even though it consumes me and pushes me internally like a small child pushing an adult. Something just stops me short and I sit and stare at it for years. The other day, someone who was chatting about another topic said “Starting anything is the toughest part” and as obvious and ubiquitous that saying might be to you, it was like fresh water to a thirsty being for me. Words are so powerful, we forget their power. I remember when a very sensitive person once told me, “A sentence can change your life”. So true.
The road seems long and impossible. Confidence wavers and the road of less resistance becomes almost home. Sometimes a drink, to feel the dream enhanced and pumping through your veins like adrenaline.
Why is it so hard. Why do so may of us reside in the pool of dreams and fail to grasp the reality of what we are doing to ourselves. I can’t let this be the story though, I have to make that small drop and add to it daily until I build enough momentum to feel it becoming a reality. In my case, I find intellectual accomplishments so much more difficult than technical. Working on a car, building a woodwork project or even managing a job is not as mentally tasking as putting a few words per day to paper or even thinking of a design for a bookshelf.
I wonder if it is that sense of self confidence that creates that resistance. I wonder if something deep inside pulls the strings and says you are not good enough and you shouldn’t try it or you’ll make a fool of yourself. Why do we listen to it when so often that voice is wrong. In the end, it truly is the being in the arena that obtains the glory of their risk.
I’ve learned so much in the past few years by myself in taking risk and forcing myself into projects that were over my head. I’ve walked away every time with more confidence, though I jump around too much from one project and skill to another.
From what I am seeing, this is normal and normal is sometimes good. Its not me, its the process. Frankly, we can’t be on all the time as it will become unhealthy but it is important to be able to move yourself and not become stagnant.
I often think about the comment Elia Kazan made of Jo Van Fleet’s career “Jo stagnated, and, since she knew it, was bitter. And as she became bitter, she become more difficult”. If you ever watch East of Eden with James Dean, she is the only actor that is as intriguing as James Dean and gives him a run for the money and yet, even she stagnated.
The most energy goes into moving the ship from standstill and then it becomes much more efficient. So be that ship and start off with all your might and keep moving slowly and I’ll do the same.
Enjoy your journey.